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I love finding the right gift at the right time. The thing that immediately brings a person to mind. The missing item in a home chef’s kitchen. The perfect book for a moment in someone’s life. Emma Straub’s This Time Tomorrow for a friend dealing with the death of a parent. Naomi Alderman’s The Power for one going through a breakup. I want to make the people I love feel seen and cared for. During the holidays, when we try to offer that attentiveness to the people in our lives, it is easy to default to the gifts of care that we are sold. Soft blankets, scented candles and bath bombs, nail appointments and gift certificates for spa days can bring joy, but I can’t help but wonder if there are more effective and lasting ways of providing comfort.
This is not to say we don’t all deserve little treats or moments of reprieve as we prepare to enter a new year that brings not just a blank slate for our resolutions but a fair amount of political dread. We need self-care, but we know that self-care can’t solve our problems. As Rina Raphael writes in The Gospel of Wellness: Gyms, Gurus, Goop, and the False Promise of Self-Care, these things we are sold will never make up for the systems that fail us.
What if this year, we thought about what the people in our lives really need? How can we offer them support in ways that go beyond the material? What are the gifts that we are uniquely positioned to give? How can we help bring ease, lightness, and space to those around us, even after the holiday season?
Food Gifts
Making cookies and candy and packaging them up each year has become a holiday ritual for me. I have particular treats I make for my gluten free friends. A special cookie I make for my cousin. Brownies and tartlets I wish I still had the occasion to make for my father every year. Food gifts don’t cost a lot, but show you’ve spent time thinking about the person who will receive them. This year, I wonder if there is a way to take this a step further.
Instead of an infusion of sugar, what if we focused on or included prepared freezer meals—healthy casseroles and comfort foods that can be heated and eaten in times of turmoil. It’s something many people do for loved ones in times of grief, and is a way to make someone feel cared for when they need it most. This could also take the form of preparing some bean soup mix in mason jars, or going shopping for staple ingredients and assembling a small book of easy, five-ingredient pantry meals. For new parents, for people who are managing health conditions, or for those who are stressed out with whatever their day-to-day demands might be, having these things on hand can provide real relief. If money is no object and time is, meal prep kits or grocery or delivery service gift cards are also an option.
Home Help
If someone is struggling with mental health or grief or overwhelm, help at home can be life-changing. If you are adept at organization, decorating, or doing things yourself, offering these service could help someone tackle something that has caused them anxiety for months. Or, if money is no object and a friend has expressed their need to clean their carpets over and over again, the gift of a professional cleaning might be the thing they need the most.
But always ask first and listen to what your friends and family are saying. Don’t assume you know what people need; instead, let them tell you how you can best support them.
These are the kinds of things that are personal to you, based on your skills and the needs expressed by the people in your life. Maybe a new mom or graduate student has mentioned that they need help wrapping Christmas presents, and you wrapped gifts at the mall in high school. Or maybe you are a skilled babysitter with endless patience for young children who can offer the gift of a night of childcare. I am incapable of offering either of those things, but I can help edit a resume. I can help with a cover letter or an application a friend has been meaning to send. We are each uniquely positioned to provide particular kinds of care.
The Gift of Community
A gift to the people in your life might simply be creating time and space for you to be together. Especially as people enter different phases of life, time spent in the same place can be precious. You can organize a breakfast or lunch as a gift to a group of people in your life. If there is someone going through a particularly trying phase, you can come together with a group to provide the things they truly need: organizing a meal tree and dividing tasks like grocery trips or picking up medications.
Are you an expert knitter whose friends constantly express awe in your skills? Can you invite them over for a night where you teach them? Or create an online tutorial or Zoom session? Or do you want to put together a skill share where you can all come together and trade knowledge?
Care Kits
What are the things you turn to on your hardest days? Is there art that soothes you? Are there memories or foods or practices that ground you? Is there a way to share those salves with others? Maybe this takes the form of a bad days playlist, full of songs you and a friend have good associations with. Or a collection of poems that inspire joy. An album or scrapbook made from your favorite photos with a friend. Maybe it is a collage that consists solely of photos of your mother’s beloved dog you have printed from her Instagram account. These are things whose meaning far outpaces their cost.
Beyond the Holidays
This spirit of attention and care is what we need all year. This kind of gift giving is a small way of practicing mutual aid, the concept of collaborative exchange, of giving what you’re able and getting what you need in return. Mutual aid exists in stark contrast to a political moment defined by rugged individualism. And it goes beyond the self care practices we are so often sold as the antidote. Instead, this view of the world values the collective and what each of us can do to serve it. When we contribute the skills and resources we have to our families, communities, friends, and neighbors, we all become richer in return. That is the spirit I’m seeking in every season.
